In our Gospel text last week, Jesus instructed his followers, us, that if any wanted to be his disciples we must take up our crosses and follow him down that Calvary way.
This week, I believe that way starts to get some definition, as we are offered practical advice from Jesus on how to work all the way through conflict until there is reconciliation, until, as Jesus says, “you have regained that one”.
This is a very difficult task for anyone: dealing with conflict or anxiety or a wrong-doing in the community, holding someone accountable. And frankly, in most places in our culture, when there is a conflict, something you don’t agree with, the most tempting “solution” is either just to ignore it or to walk out.
Certainly this is true for us consumers: When service is subpar, we can ignore it—we can fight it, but not for the purpose of reconciliation. And certainly, we can make sure we never come back, that is, we can walk out.
Even in our friendships, there’s nothing ultimately binding us to a person. If a “friend” wrongs us, we can walk out on the relationship. Find new friends. Unfortunately in our culture, we’re often reminded just how fickle friendships can be when shaken by even a little bit of conflict, and how much easier it is to be distant.
I’m afraid, it’s happened to marriages, family situations, and churches as well. It gets difficult, and someone walks out.
So many fathers in our culture, walk out, shut out the family—don’t know how to deal. I can relate. And it just needs to be said. Numbers of people I’ve talked to that never had a father who was present.
And now as a father myself, I certainly understand the impulse…to be honest. There’s always the door. (I can’t see myself ever walking out on my family, but I certainly understand the impulse. That’s a side of myself that I’m not proud of…)Now sometimes there are situations in marriages, families and churches, where walking away is the healthiest option, but not without some serious attempts at reconciliation, which is what Jesus is talking about today.
I want to lift up two aspects of Jesus’ instruction from our text today: 1) that we go directly to the person & 2) if the person refuses to hear us, then we treat them as a tax collector and a Gentile.
First, Jesus calls us today to meet one-on-one with the person who wronged you, with the person who should be held accountable, with the person with whom you’ve got a problem.
How often does this happen: You’ve got an issue with someone?...you go talk directly to them about it. Usually what I’ve experienced is we go immediately and talk to others about the person. Maybe you go talk to your pastor about the person. It is very hard, talk about bearing your cross, it is very hard to sit down one-on-one with the person with whom you’ve got the problem. And sometimes I justify talking to all my allies because “I’m just working out my thoughts…venting my frustrations,” but so easily and unintentionally that becomes gossip.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer, great 20th c. theologian, actually founded a seminary in Germany, which he centered on living in community. He wrote a book at that time called Life Together, which is a beautiful volume.
Eberhard Bethge, one of Bonheoffer’s students at that time, tells us that one of the rules that Bonhoeffer made for this community was that no person was to speak about the another person…
…even if they were speaking good things, or in the form of “prayer concerns” (which can be a very Kosher way to gossip, btw)—no person was to speak about another person if that person was not present to hear the comments.
Can you imagine? Not talking about anyone—not even good things—unless they were within an earshot?
And Bethge goes on to say that no one in the community was able to keep that rule perfectly, [pause] but even their attempt at keeping the rule changed the fabric of their community. It made their words about each other direct and more thoughtful and far more loving. It cut back on petty gossip. It did away with a heightened anxiety about who thinks what about whomever else. It transformed their community.
Going directly to the person with whom you have the problem—it is a gift to be reminded this time, by Jesus, to do this regularly. These aren’t my words. I prefer to talk it out with all my trusted friends, if I have a problem with you. But Jesus says I shouldn’t talk to anyone about you, if I have a problem; I should simply come directly to you. And if and when we hear each other we have regained one another. There is reconciliation—one of the most beautiful and powerful experiences in the human experience. Reconciliation. [would love to hear your stories sometime of reconciliation…]
And the second aspect of Jesus’ life-giving instruction today, that I wanted to lift up, is what he says when agreement is not reached…when reconciliation is not possible, when conflict doesn’t result in a solution or a re-gaining, but to only greater anxiety and pain.
When that happens, Jesus says, “Let that one be to you as a tax collector or a Gentile.” In other words, LET IT GO.
Perhaps the greatest gift that Jesus could give us these days: 3 little words “Let it go.”
Because in addition to so many other social and psychological side-affects—anger, resentment, bitterness toward a person or at a community has been shown to have physical effects on our bodies—digestive problems, back aches, head aches, sexual dysfunction, ulcers.
Or God forbid, our hanging-on-to-it’s, our not-letting-it-go’s mean that our children or other innocent ones get the brunt of our pent-up anger or bitterness. Let it go, Jesus invites us, let it go. Not a storming, “*blank* you, I’m outta here!”, angry “I’m done with it” response, which is more of a cultural norm. This is a different kind of letting it go, that takes prayer and Christian community and practice, practice. Just words today, but one exercise is [breathing (grace-peace)]. It’s the ultimate question: How’s forgiveness going? As we move into a new school year, hfg? As we move toward the anniversary of 9/11, hfg? As we journey back into our past here at SVLC –50 years of life—we can’t pretend that they were all perfect years, hfg? As we chat on the phone with family members and of distant friends this afternoon, hfg?
“Let that one be to you as a tax collector or a Gentile.” Let it go…because we know how Jesus treats the tax collector and the Gentile. Let it go, and leave it to Jesus, who forgives even and especially the tax collector and the Gentile. Let it go, and leave it to Jesus. See this is different from a more popular form of walking out…because even as we walk away from an un-reconciled conflict, there is still compassion for the other party, because Christ is at the center of our letting go. And despite our distances, we can still love the enemy, pray for those who persecute us, when Christ is at the center. This is the power of God! …loving and letting go at the same time…and God give us that power today!
In truth, if we’re honest we’re all Gentiles, and so Jesus welcoming and forgiving the Gentile becomes all the more poignant.
This can be perhaps the most liberating and practical message we’ll hear in a long time: First do the hard work of going directly and lovingly to the person or the issue…and trying in Christian love to reconcile. If there is reconciliation, “Praise God! There is nothing greater. That’s amazing grace, in flesh and bone. The lion lies down with the lamb.” And if not, let it go and harness the power of God to continue to love despite wrong-doing.
This is where Jesus calls us: down that rocky road, carrying the cross of direct and healthy and loving communication. Not avoiding or distancing but meeting our sister or brother in love and longing for reconciliation. But ultimately Jesus knows that we cannot finally go to the cross, that finally we must lay our crosses down. Let it go, he says to us. I’ve got it from here. You’ve done your best. Let me take it now, your anger, your hurt, your resentment, your bitterness. Let me take it now, and unbind you, from all that is holding you down. Let me take it…
So that now you are free, now you are free to love and serve and live. Now you are unbound in order to be bound. In order to be bound to this Christian community and to this world in love!
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